Breastfeeding Ain't Easy

Breastfeeding is hard. It seems like it should be easy. It's natural and normal and so good for everyone, but man, is it hard. Until I started nursing Rat, I had no idea it would be so hard. I wasn't even super sure I even wanted to breastfeed him. I hadn't been breastfed and most of the people I new hadn't either, but everything I read said I should. So I decided to give it a go. That first week was so, so hard. I was blessed that I had good nipples (the nurse said so!) and plenty of supply, but that didn't stop the bleeding and blisters. I remember sitting on the couch at 3 in the morning holding my baby and bawling. NoFace came out and tried to console me, but there wasn't much he could do. I remember staring at the formula in the cabinet and contemplating just giving him a bottle. I was on a mission though and was not giving up. Thankfully, after about a week we settled into a routine.

With my second baby, I didn't think I would have any problems. I was wrong. I was really into attachment parenting and co-sleeping and babyled everything. I've since learned that balance is important but that's another post. I let him nurse as long as he wanted, which once again led to blisters and bleeding and horrible pain. They also don't tell you that while nursing, not only will your breast hurt, but you will have horrible cramps that make you feel like you are in labor for the first several days. I remember sitting in the lactation expert's office nursing Dragon. She turned to me and said “Honey, your toes shouldn't be curling in pain.” She put me on “breast rest” and I had to pump for 24 hours and give Dragon a bottle of my milk. It took about two weeks to settle in with Dragon. He was a biter from the get go.

With Monkey, it finally was easy. I let him nurse for 20 minutes and then took him off. He nursed beautifully and I felt like Wonder Women being the sole source of nourishment for this little miracle. I fed him every two to three hours around the clock for months. I mean MONTHS. The child wouldn't sleep! I was his world. We napped together and cuddled together and life was good. At about 14 months I started to feel like it was time to ween him. By this time, I had cut him off from night nursing, but he was starting to wake again. I was exhausted and resorting to feeding him. He didn't want to eat much solid foods and he was pretty thin. I remembered when I stopped nursing Dragon at 20 months he started gaining weight. I thought “it is time.”

My plan was to ween him over a long weekend so NoFace could help. Since I normally nurse him to sleep, I had NoFace take over naps and night wakings. WHAT A MAN, NOFACE IS!! Monkey became really clingy and wanted me to hold him constantly. He seemed upset, and so was I. I pulled back and started nursing again.

By fifteen months, I decided I had to try again. I was really worried about how thin he was (the doctor wasn't worried) and the fact that he was waking every 3 hours again. NoFace was going out of town and I decided this was the time to wean. I felt like I had to do this on my own. I hoped that if I still put Monkey down to sleep he might not feel abandoned. Well, it worked. Monkey actually went down to sleep on his own. He would ask once to nurse and when I said no, he settled in and went to sleep. After about a week he stopped asking.

I was supposed to feel relieved. I felt devastated. Truly heartbroken. I would rock him to sleep and just start bawling. I mean big, ugly sobs. For about a week I would cry at the drop of the hat. I felt like someone had died. I wasn't prepared to feel this way.

I stopped nursing Rat at 9 months. I had gone back to work when he was 4 months old and had to supplement with formula. After 9 months of pumping every two hours, when he started biting, I threw in the towel. I remember feeling relieved. I lasted 20 months with Dragon, but when all he cared about was nursing and could careless about me, I called it quits. It was a little bittersweet but we were both happy and ready to move on.

What was wrong with me? Monkey is my last baby. He is the last baby I will feel moving inside of me. He is the last baby I will birth. He is the last baby I will nurse. I'm tearing up right now. I guess that is the difference. He is my last baby. Why is that such a big deal. Babies only see the goodness in you. They don't care if you are in your ratty clothes and haven't showered in days. They don't care if your hair is a mess or you don't have your make up on. They don't even care if you are grumpy. They see only your goodness, only your beauty. This continues for several years, but at some point it comes to an end. And that end hurts. They are so fresh from God and they are truly a miracle. A miracle you actually get to be part of and help bring forth. When else can you be a part of that?

Then they grow up. It is a beautiful thing to watch them grow. Every stage is great and hard. Everyone says to savor it because it goes so fast. I don't know how to savor it. I'm trying, but the years seem to be slipping by so quickly. I think of my mom often. I was her only baby and we are so close. However, I only now understand her love for me and how much it hurts to let your baby walk away. Thank you Mom.

I know I am so very, very blessed to have these boys. I thank God everyday that I get to be their Momma. With this love and happiness, come such heartache. Which, is just ridiculous. I read that nursing actually releases hormones that make you feel happy and when you wean you actually feel a loss of those hormones and chemicals. Perhaps that played a part in my extreme sadness. I am feeling much better, but two months after weaning I still feel a bit of an emptiness that I know I can't fill. Monkey is doing great. He is eating everything and sleeping better. He his happy and bonding more with NoFace.

I guess I am just grieving the end of an era. The end of an era that I have dreamed about since I was a little girl. I've always wanted to have babies and play babies and love babies. I didn't dream about the next era. I don't even know what that will bring. I worry it will bring separation from my babies and loss of purpose for myself. And well, that's where I am at. What's next?