A Letter To My Eldest

Dear Rat,

I know being the oldest can be really hard. You are basically my test kid. My mom always says “I'm a first time parent and you're a first time kid. We are learning together.” This is so true for you and I. Nothing can prepare you for being a parent. I worked with tons of kids before I had you and really thought I had it all figured out. I was wrong. I still don't have it figured out, but I am learning.

Thank you for being you. This year you have grown and matured so much I can hardly stand it. It wasn't too long ago that it was just you and I. We would spend our days at the library, in the forest, or even the mall. We must have read hundreds of books together. I loved those quiet moments when you would snuggle up close and ask for book after book. Oh and the train tracks we built! They would fill a room and sometimes sneak out into the hall. AND Puzzles. You were the puzzle master, even as a baby.

You were with me during so many of our early moves. You and I would explore city after city while daddy worked and supported us. You were my little adventure buddy. Without you I would have been so lonely and lost. I know the moves have been tough on you, but you handle them like a champ.

I left my career for you and I would do it again in a heartbeat. After we left Florida, I had to put you in daycare full time. That first full day I dropped you off at 7 and couldn't get back to you until 6 at night. You asked the teachers if I had forgotten you. I spend the day with other people's children and my own child was feeling neglected. That broke my heart and I knew I had to come up with plan B. That was the best decision I have ever made. Spending those early days with you are priceless. I feel so blessed Daddy and I made that choice.

You had me all to yourself for those first four years and I know it must have been confusing and hard to welcome Dragon into our lives. My attention was taken from you and given to that crying baby who nursed ALL OF THE TIME and who had to be rocked to sleep for what must have felt like hours. Everyone commented on how cute he was and often overlooked his equally adorable big brother. That must have hurt.

I remember thinking 4 years old was a really tough age. I'm sure some of it had to do with going from being an only child to a big brother, but you started becoming more feisty and ornery. I felt like I was constantly scolding you. Then you started kindergarten and thought you knew it all. First and second grade weren't much better in terms of attitude. You just didn't need me much anymore. You were embarrassed to talk to me in front of your friends which broke my heart, but I understood.

I'm not sure what happened in third grade, but it is like a switch has flipped and you are so polite and helpful. You are so sweet with Monkey. I love seeing you two playing together. The way you look after him is heartwarming. I think we have hit a smooth patch in this growing up gig. Don't get me wrong. You have your moments, Love. You still fight with Dragon like he is your arch rival and sometimes you just don't listen. After all, you are only a kid.

I'm sure you will go through another phase and our relationship will grow and change but I want you to know how grateful I am that you are my first son. I'm grateful that you are the one who taught me to be a mother. Thank you for not getting upset when I have to postpone our game to change a diaper or kiss a scratched knee. Thank you for sitting quietly while I put the littles down to sleep. Thank you for helping out when I ask you to keep an eye on Monkey for just a moment. Thank you for hugging the baby when he gets upset and my hands are covered in the chicken I am preparing for dinner. Thank you for growing with me as I learn to do this mothering thing.

Please know that I see your patience. I see the carefully swallowed frustration and I understand your rare outbursts. I know that you are only nine and being the oldest brother of two younger brothers cannot be easy.

I hold you to high expectations. I always have and you always meet them. You've taught me where I need to be firmer and where I need to loosen up. I know my parenting style is different with Dragon and Monkey and you don't always understand that. Please know I am trying to meet each of your needs individually in the best way I know how. You are my thinker, my logical, left brained little rat and I am so incredibly proud of you that writing this brings tears to my eyes.

You changed my life in the most amazing way possible. A way that I cannot accurately describe in words. I hope you have children one day and can experience this love. It truly is other worldly. Thank you, my son. Please know that I love you, always.